Sleep

One of the biggest topics of conversation among new mums is sleep.  How much are you getting?  How is your baby sleeping?  Do you have a routine?  In the last week Henry has started self-settling in his cot for his day sleeps with little to no intervention from us.  This is a huge achievement especially considering for the first 13 weeks of his life he refused to sleep during the day unless he was in our arms.  While the cuddles were nice, it was exhausting and frustrating holding him for his sleeps because it meant that for half of the day I was essentially trapped under him.

It took us two weeks of persistence and consistency to get him to self settle.  We are still battling the cat naps (he wakes after one sleep cycle do doesn't get proper sleeps during the day, just naps) but I'm hoping that soon that will resolve too.

I thought I would share what we did to get him to self settle.  This might not work for everyone but it worked for us so I will share it in the hope that it works for you too.

When I was pregnant I was gifted "Save Our Sleep" by Tizzie Hall, a book that a few of my family and friends followed and said, while it was tough to implement it worked wonders.  I read through it and liked the idea of a structured, predictable routine to follow but didn't like the way she taught self settling as it was very similar to the "cry it out" method, which I don't like.  She recommends starting all of this pretty much from birth.  I also read a lot of other things saying that until a baby is around 12 weeks old there isn't much point starting formal sleep training as they are just too little. 

When he was about 6 weeks old I started implementing the Tizzie Hall routine, but was still rocking him to sleep and letting him sleep on me.  It was also around this time that we stopped co-sleeping/bed sharing and Henry started to sleep in a co-sleeping cot next to the bed.  We are still following the Tizzie Hall routine timings though he doesn't tend to stick to them very well, especially since he catnaps during the day, but it gives us a loose routine to follow.

I utilised a few methods to teach self-settling.  Tizzie Hall gives a minimum amount of time to leave a baby to self-settle before going in to settle them.  We followed this guideline.  We used an elephant toy which plays lullabies and vibrates, and also sometimes a dummy.  This is our method...

We put him into his cot, clean nappy, fed and awake but showing tired tired signs.  Tuck him, pat him on the head, turn on the elephant, and leave the room with the light off and the door closed (or you can leave it open a crack to he can still hear you but our doors are not particularly sound proof so it was ok to close them).

We give him 10 minutes to protest.  If his cries become distressed then we would go in sooner.  The few times this happened it was because he needed to burp.  If, after 10 minutes has passed he has not settled (meaning he is still crying, if he was awake but not crying we would leave him) then we go in and give him the dummy and some shooshing.  This was always done sitting down next to the cot, not leaning over it so that he didn't think we would going to pick him up.  If after 20 minutes with the dummy and the shooshing he was still not looking like he was going to fall asleep, pick him and take him out for 10 minutes, then try again - though this never happened as we timed his tired signs well.

After a week or so of doing this, he stopped needing the dummy so much and after about 8 minutes he would stop crying and settle of to sleep.

By the end of the second week, half the time he wouldn't cry at all, and the other half of the time it was only a few minutes of crying.

Unfortunately he still needs help settling for his night time sleep but I'm hoping that another couple of weeks will see him self-settling at night time too.

I hope this helps some of you.  Feel free to ask me questions in the comments if you have any.

Good luck!

Pain

I am struggling to remember a time when I wasn't in pain.  Between the pains of pregnancy, c-section recovery, ongoing hip problems and now a recurrence of my shoulder bursitis, I think it's been a good year since I was "pain-free".

I woke up yesterday planning on writing that I was feeling better, that I had a great week last week - which is still true.  Then my shoulder got worse.  The pain meant that I was more on edge than usual, so yesterday was not a great day.  It ended with me being very frustrated and angry again and leaving Mr 3-Months to himself for 10 minutes while I recharged.  Thankfully, husband came home earlier than usual so he took over the bath time routine so I could get myself together.

This morning I woke up in so much pain that I didn't get up and organised in time to go on a lake walk with other mums, which I am now really regretting. 

This is just a short post to vent.

#postbirthphotos #bandwagon

This is apparently the current thing so here we go.  Kate Middleton post birth vs me post birth...

A Three Month Blur of Emotions

This week I was told I have postnatal depression.

It wasn't a surprise, really.  I have a history of depression and anxiety so I was already more likely to get it, and was on the lookout for those signs.

I saw my psychologist this week to have a chat about being a new mum and the feelings and thoughts I had been having regarding motherhood and my baby.  At the end of the one hour session it occurred me that there is a lot of information out there about postnatal depression and the symptoms to look out for, but not a lot of information about the things that mothers might think and feel and more importantly, that most of those thoughts and feelings aren't necessarily a sign of postnatal depression but are completely normal thoughts that nearly every new mother has.  I want to try and list some of these thoughts and feelings in the hopes that other mums will read this and know that they aren't alone and they don't have to beat themselves up about them like I have been doing for months.

I want to say that I love Henry.  I love him to pieces and he is the most adorable baby and the best thing to happen me, and I would never want take back having him.  I feel like there are some people out there who will read this post and either can't relate to these emotions or just do not believe that a mother would ever think these things about their child.  To the women who can relate, you aren't alone, you aren't a bad mother for thinking these things, and it doesn't mean you don't love your baby.

Someone asked me recently "don't you just love him to pieces and more than you ever thought you could love anything?"  I replied "not at first", but the honest answer was "no".  Everyone tells you that when you give birth to a baby you are hit with this overwhelming love stronger than any love you have ever felt before and a love that only a mother has for their child.  This never happened for me, and I felt guilty about it.  What was wrong with me that I wasn't taken over with this insane love for my new baby?  He was really cute, and I definitely felt affection for him, but not an overwhelming, all-consuming love that I couldn't articulate or begin to explain.  I must be a bad mother.

NO.

I am not a bad mother.  When I said this to my psychologist she said "what do you have to compare it to?"  I don't have any other children, I've never given birth to a baby before, how do I know that I'm not feeling that love?  I read something that resonated with me, particularly as an introvert - When you meet a new person do you like them straight away?  Do you love them from day one?  No.  You need to get to know them, you need to learn to love them, you need to build a relationship.  A baby is no different.  A mother and child, while they might have a bond right away, they might not.  They need to get to know each other just like any two other people and they need to build that love.  Another blog I read at 4am while breastfeeding was a new mother who wrote that she didn't feel that overwhelming love until her baby was 10 months old.  She had to develop a relationship with her child.

What follows are just a few of the other thoughts and feelings I have had since having a child that have left me feeling guilty:

• Irrational, 0-100 rage and agitation, especially when he cries
• Wondering if I ever really wanted children
• This baby has just caused me unending physical and mental pain
• Not wanting to engage or play with my baby all the time
• Suddenly pining for the life I used to have and thinking I wasted the ability to just go out when I had the freedom to do it
• Wanting to get away from him
• Not missing him when I'm away from him
• Thinking a lot of shoulds - I should want to play with him, I shouldn't be so angry at him, I should be more interested in my baby, I should be missing him
• Not enjoying being a mother
• Being bored of him
• I'm a terrible mother
• I don't deserve this baby
• My husband loves him more than me
• I want to people to come over so I don't have to hold and amuse him
• Indescribable loneliness and isolation
• I'm the only mother that feels this way
• Other mothers I see are so much better with their babies
• I'm sick of him

These thoughts and feelings are pretty much all "normal" and most new mothers have them.  Being a new mother can be horribly isolating and it is emotionally very draining.  For me it was especially so being an introvert and suddenly having another person in my space 24/7 who needs almost constant entertainment and attention.

It is a sad fact that many new mothers feel they can't speak up about these thoughts and feelings for fear of being judged.

So fellow mums, know that you aren't alone in these feelings, we all have them.  I urge you to discuss them with someone as I honestly feel a million times better for having just said it out loud and having another person validate my feelings and tell me they were OK.  If you can discuss it with another mother, even better.

I find that the days I get out of the house I feel a little better.  Some days I have to make myself do it, even if it's just a trip to the local shops to grab bread.  Getting some fresh air and a change of scenery makes all the difference.  Join a mothers group, make new friends who are going through the same things as you.  There is an app called "MUSH" which is like Tinder for mums.  I recommend getting it.  You can find other mums in your area and organise meetups.

If you are worried about postnatal depression or just need to chat, there are a few links below for more information and contact details for organisations who can help.  If you are having thoughts of suicide, self-harm or harming your baby, please seek help from your doctor ASAP.

Be kind to yourself and remember you aren't alone.

xx

PANDSI - https://www.pandsi.org/

PANDA - https://www.panda.org.au/

Lifeline - https://www.lifeline.org.au/  (Lifeline also do online chat support if you find this easier)

Something I posted on Facebook when Henry was 4 weeks old...

After 4 weeks of being a parent here is what I've learned:

- Recovering from a c-section is really rough. Anyone who thinks it's the easy way to do child birth is kidding themselves. It is physically draining and a giant, speeding train to the psyche of a new mother. 


- Contractions hurt. Like, really, really hurt. 


- Breast feeding isn't a natural instinct. It takes work, patience and practice. It is also draining and makes you thirstier than a camel. 


- Sleep is so cherished these days. I'm lucky that my baby sleeps well for a newborn. Sleep deprivation is rough.

- Babies do farts that rival that of grown men.

- So much poop.

- Showering has now become optional and non-essential.

- Even though I don't necessarily want to go anywhere or even really feel up to it, being house bound is maddening.

- I can spend long periods of time just staring at his face in awe of the tiny person I spent 9 months 3D printing in my uterus.

- Seeing your child in pain is soul destroying.

- Babies make adorable noises and faces.

- No one prepares you for the love you feel for your own child.

- Henry is the best thing to happen to me.

- I have no regrets.

Pregnancy, Labour, Delivery & Recovery

I found out I was pregnant on Mother's Day in May 2017, though I had known I was pregnant for about two weeks despite doing four pregnancy tests which all came back as negative.  You hear that some women just know - it would seem that I was one of these women.  Blood tests and an ultrasound confirmed what the pee test had said.  I had a single intrauterine pregnancy with an expected due date of 18 January 2018.

I didn't have the easiest pregnancy.  I had morning sickness in my first trimester like most women do but thankfully it was mild and went away around 13 weeks in.  Unfortunately, from 10 weeks I had sacroiliac instability thanks to the relaxin hormone which the body produces during pregnancy.  This caused a sharp stabbing pain in my tailbone pretty much every time I moved and meant I couldn't sit/stand/lie in any one position for very long.  I was given a really stylish pelvic belt to wear which helped with the pain but I was told that really there was nothing they could do and that it would resolve itself after birth.  

I was then diagnosed with gestational diabetes at 26 weeks, though I am not entirely convinced I actually had it as I was tested twice and got both a positive and a negative result.  They chose to err on the side of caution and treat it as positive.  Either way, it was managed with diet alone and I was lucky not to need insulin injections.  I was told that because of the gestational diabetes they wouldn't let me go over my due date so if I didn't go into labour naturally before then, I would be induced.

From 30 weeks I began suffering awful hip pain which turned out to be bursitis.  I'd had bursitis in my shoulder a few years earlier so knew the road I had go down.  Sadly though, while pregnant you can't have the cortico-steroid injection they would usually give you so again I was told I would just have to suffer through and that it would probably resolve once the baby was born.

I also suffered with the usual round ligament pain though seemed to have it almost constantly.  All these things combined meant I really didn't like being pregnant and I felt a little disconnected from it.  I had to stop work at 34 weeks because the pain made it near impossible to sit at my desk all day so I spent six weeks at home mostly binge-watching Netflix because I couldn't do much else.  My due date couldn't come soon enough.

I didn't go into labour naturally so I was admitted for induction at 3pm on Thursday, 18 January 2018.  The plan was to insert Cervidil tape (hormone impregnated tape inserted into the cervix to trigger softening and dilation), give me a sleeping tablet so I could get a good night's sleep, then break my waters in the morning.  At around 5pm they inserted the Cervidil, told me I was already dilated enough to insert a finger tip, and my mother and husband went home while I settled in for the night.  Within about half an hour I had started having contractions and before long I was having 8-9 contractions in 10 minutes. The Cervidil had hyperstimulated my uterus (a known but not necessarily common side effect). With every contraction bub’s heart rate would go up however because the contractions were so close together he didn’t have time for his heart rate to settle so the doctors were concerned.  They said they would see how it went but that they might have to take the tape out but they were reluctant to jump to that because it could stop everything.

Around 9pm bub’s heart rate still wasn’t stabilising so they made the decision to pull the tape out.  The tape was removed and I was told it had worked well enough that they would still be able to break my waters in the morning.  Unfortunately, the contractions didn’t stop after the tape was removed so they transferred me over to birth suite for the night.  I was monitored constantly but the contractions weren’t settling down enough so they gave me Fentanyl via my IV – which gave me horrid palpitations.  The Fentanyl worked to slow the contractions and they told me I was now just in active labour.  That was around 11pm and I told my mum and husband to come back to the hospital.  I was then transferred to a bigger birthing room.

The contractions continued through the night getting more intense.  I ended up having morphine for the pain which worked well but made me very spacey.  They told me to try to sleep but I couldn’t.

Around 7am the doctor came in to break my waters and hooked me up to the Syntocinon drip to keep my labour progressing. Breaking my waters ended up being a two person job.  Bub was still sitting up rather high in the birth canal and so they had a midwife push the top of my uterus while the doctor ruptured the membranes to prevent the umbilical cord prolapsing. Once broken I got to wear a really stylish adult diaper to catch any further leaks - it pretty much just felt like I was peeing my pants every contraction.  The contractions were still intensifying so I asked for more morphine.  The morphine wasn’t super effective this time around as I was now having back labour (all my contractions were felt in my low back and hips rather than my stomach) – which really, really sucked. I cannot begin to explain how painful back labour was.  Every contraction I would end up on my tip toes squeezing my butt cheeks together as hard as I could because for some reason that seemed to dull them ever so slightly, which is the exact opposite of what everyone tells you do - you're supposed to relax and breathe through the contractions and you are told that tensing just makes the pain worse.  Yeah, well, I'll try to remember that next time... I was still only dilated 3-4cm (I cried and begged for a c-section when I found out) so I asked for an epidural.

The anaesthetist was really lovely.  He had a bit of trouble getting the catheter in my spine and it took a couple of goes to get in.  Once it was in it was great relief though!  Epidurals are truly some kind of black magic.  Unfortunately, the epidural stopped working after about 45 minutes and the contractions were back in full force.  The anaesthetist came back and tried a few things to get it working again but in the end he said he would need to re-site the epidural.  He managed to get it in first go this time and then the epidural worked perfectly.   I was still not able to sleep but at least I could rest.

Around 9pm (Friday night) they came in and did another exam.  Bub was still sitting up high but I was more or less fully dilated.  They said they would give it another hour and then have me try pushing to move him down.  About 10pm they came back and had me push for an hour.  Unfortunately, bub still didn’t move down enough and there was swelling in my cervix which created a lip that he couldn’t get his head past.  He was also posterior which was making it difficult for him to descend.  They said they would now be sending me down to theatre for "instrumental delivery +/- c-section".  They got me prepped and wheeled me down but on arrival I was told another woman who was worse off needed to go first so I was sent back upstairs.

They came back and got me just before midnight.  I was taken down and prepped and then my husband was brought in wearing scrubs.  It was all hectic in there, everyone moving around, injecting me with things here and there.  Baby Henry was born at 12:20am on 20 January 2018.  His initial APGAR was 5 and he needed some oxygen so he was whisked away pretty quickly but my husband could see him the whole time and gave me updates. His second APGAR was 9.  He was brought over to me wrapped up and put on my chest so I could see him.  This tiny, beautiful, perfect baby.  All I wanted to do was stare at him but I was struggling to keep my eyes open. 

They then said they would take him and Stuart into recovery and I would meet them there when they finished sewing me back together.  I haemorrhaged 1130mL of blood during surgery, not enough for a blood transfusion though apparently.  My mum later told me that one of the midwives had said I almost would have been better off bleeding a bit more so I qualified for a transfusion, as I probably wouldn't have been as exhausted.  I was stitched up and moved into recovery where I got to give Henry his first breast feed.  They checked my obs regularly and I was put back on the Syntocinon drip as my uterus was floppy and needed a bit of help contracting back down.  I was then taken back up to the ward with Henry.  The ward was slightly full so I was put into a shared room which meant that my husband wasn't able to stay the night with me, so he and my mother went home around 3am so that we could sleep.  Sleep didn't really come though, aside from just being in a hospital, we were both having very regular observation checks (him every hour for blood sugars, me every two) so I really didn't get to sleep at all.

By the time it was all over I hadn't slept for two days and I'd barely eaten for 36 hours.  I had no colour in my face due to blood loss, I looked like crap, I hadn't brushed my teeth for 36 hours (and had been vomiting during labour - GROSS), I was covered in I don't know how many different bodily fluids, I had a urinary catheter in because I couldn't get out of bed and because the didn't put underwear on my after surgery I was lying on an absorbent bed pad (essentially) with a wad of thick hospital pads between my legs to catch the post birth bleeding - yes, you still have that post-birth uterine bleeding (lochia) after a c-section.  I will be forever thankful to the midwife who helped me have a sponge bath, get dressed and brush my teeth without ever leaving my bed before my in-laws visited at 10am. 

I have since read that apparently there are women out there who think having a c-section in the "easy way out" when it comes to giving birth.  To those women I say FUCK YOU.  Those women have clearly never had major surgery.  Aside from the general pain of surgery, and the lack of core strength any woman has after giving birth, regardless of the method, every movement hurts.  EVERY. MOVEMENT.  You can't get out of bed without help, for days.  Sitting down and standing up hurts.  You walk hunched over because standing up straight pulls at your incision.  You aren't allowed to drive for 6 weeks because the lower abdominal muscles you use to move your legs from pedal to the other don't work very well, and it hurts to use them.  I felt every tiny bump in the road on the way home from hospital.  You are told you can't lift anything heavier than your baby for at least 6 weeks, but lifting your baby still hurts, and holding them for any length of time also hurts.  Your breast milk can take a little longer to come in after a c-section so there is a lot of stress around feeding and having a hungry baby.  Breast-feeding is painful because your baby sits up against your stomach and that pressure hurts.  I couldn't go for walks around our house because where we live has a lot of hills, and I wasn't allowed to push/pull the pram up and down hills, and I couldn't drive, so I was essentially housebound for 6 weeks.  

Emotionally, I was a bit of a wreck. I had the usual baby blues that most mothers get and that feeling of being overwhelmed what with lack of sleep and such.  My husband was great and the first few nights I was home he insisted I go to bed and sleep at night and he would bring Henry into me when he needed feeding so that my body had a chance to recover.  While I appreciated this immensely it left me feeling guilty and like I was putting my needs over my baby's.  I also felt guilty because I was his mother and felt that I was supposed to be up with my baby when he was crying at night.  I beat myself up a lot in those early weeks and I really shouldn't have.

Two weeks post-partum my incision got a small infection, so the pain was back again.  Thankfully a course of oral antibiotics got it sorted pretty quickly, but it slowed the recovery down.

After 6 weeks I was given the all clear to drive, I had freedom and it was a massive relief. 

I am now three months on and I'm still feeling my c-section.  My incision still twinges occasionally - like when you have a scratch that is healing and the skin pulls. I have an "apron" over my incision site which feels permanently bruised on the sides and is completely numb in the middle as a result having to cut through the nerves.  I've been told those sensations may never completely go away.

So... That was that.