It wasn't a surprise, really. I have a history of depression and anxiety so I was already more likely to get it, and was on the lookout for those signs.
I saw my psychologist this week to have a chat about being a new mum and the feelings and thoughts I had been having regarding motherhood and my baby. At the end of the one hour session it occurred me that there is a lot of information out there about postnatal depression and the symptoms to look out for, but not a lot of information about the things that mothers might think and feel and more importantly, that most of those thoughts and feelings aren't necessarily a sign of postnatal depression but are completely normal thoughts that nearly every new mother has. I want to try and list some of these thoughts and feelings in the hopes that other mums will read this and know that they aren't alone and they don't have to beat themselves up about them like I have been doing for months.
I want to say that I love Henry. I love him to pieces and he is the most adorable baby and the best thing to happen me, and I would never want take back having him. I feel like there are some people out there who will read this post and either can't relate to these emotions or just do not believe that a mother would ever think these things about their child. To the women who can relate, you aren't alone, you aren't a bad mother for thinking these things, and it doesn't mean you don't love your baby.
Someone asked me recently "don't you just love him to pieces and more than you ever thought you could love anything?" I replied "not at first", but the honest answer was "no". Everyone tells you that when you give birth to a baby you are hit with this overwhelming love stronger than any love you have ever felt before and a love that only a mother has for their child. This never happened for me, and I felt guilty about it. What was wrong with me that I wasn't taken over with this insane love for my new baby? He was really cute, and I definitely felt affection for him, but not an overwhelming, all-consuming love that I couldn't articulate or begin to explain. I must be a bad mother.
NO.
I am not a bad mother. When I said this to my psychologist she said "what do you have to compare it to?" I don't have any other children, I've never given birth to a baby before, how do I know that I'm not feeling that love? I read something that resonated with me, particularly as an introvert - When you meet a new person do you like them straight away? Do you love them from day one? No. You need to get to know them, you need to learn to love them, you need to build a relationship. A baby is no different. A mother and child, while they might have a bond right away, they might not. They need to get to know each other just like any two other people and they need to build that love. Another blog I read at 4am while breastfeeding was a new mother who wrote that she didn't feel that overwhelming love until her baby was 10 months old. She had to develop a relationship with her child.
What follows are just a few of the other thoughts and feelings I have had since having a child that have left me feeling guilty:
- Irrational, 0-100 rage and agitation, especially when he cries
- Wondering if I ever really wanted children
- This baby has just caused me unending physical and mental pain
- Not wanting to engage or play with my baby all the time
- Suddenly pining for the life I used to have and thinking I wasted the ability to just go out when I had the freedom to do it
- Wanting to get away from him
- Not missing him when I'm away from him
- Thinking a lot of shoulds - I should want to play with him, I shouldn't be so angry at him, I should be more interested in my baby, I should be missing him
- Not enjoying being a mother
- Being bored of him
- I'm a terrible mother
- I don't deserve this baby
- My husband loves him more than me
- I want to people to come over so I don't have to hold and amuse him
- Indescribable loneliness and isolation
- I'm the only mother that feels this way
- Other mothers I see are so much better with their babies
- I'm sick of him
These thoughts and feelings are pretty much all "normal" and most new mothers have them. Being a new mother can be horribly isolating and it is emotionally very draining. For me it was especially so being an introvert and suddenly having another person in my space 24/7 who needs almost constant entertainment and attention.
It is a sad fact that many new mothers feel they can't speak up about these thoughts and feelings for fear of being judged.
So fellow mums, know that you aren't alone in these feelings, we all have them. I urge you to discuss them with someone as I honestly feel a million times better for having just said it out loud and having another person validate my feelings and tell me they were OK. If you can discuss it with another mother, even better.
I find that the days I get out of the house I feel a little better. Some days I have to make myself do it, even if it's just a trip to the local shops to grab bread. Getting some fresh air and a change of scenery makes all the difference. Join a mothers group, make new friends who are going through the same things as you. There is an app called "MUSH" which is like Tinder for mums. I recommend getting it. You can find other mums in your area and organise meetups.
If you are worried about postnatal depression or just need to chat, there are a few links below for more information and contact details for organisations who can help. If you are having thoughts of suicide, self-harm or harming your baby, please seek help from your doctor ASAP.
Be kind to yourself and remember you aren't alone.
xx
PANDSI - https://www.pandsi.org/
PANDA - https://www.panda.org.au/
Lifeline - https://www.lifeline.org.au/ (Lifeline also do online chat support if you find this easier)
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